


"I was scared of loosing you, and then I did anyway"

by Linisen



Series: BINGO for the 18+ On Ice Discord Server [7]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: A DEACADE OF PINING, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Do not post on another site, Dorks in Love, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Growing Up Together, M/M, Mutual Pining, Sexual Tension, Smut, Sort Of, They've been apart for a decade, friends to strangers to lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-05
Updated: 2019-10-05
Packaged: 2020-11-24 15:09:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20909663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Linisen/pseuds/Linisen
Summary: Victor can’t remember the last time he talked to Yuuri. It seems crazy that someone that’s been so monumentally important to Victor just slid out of his life and he barely noticed. They grew up together in this courtyard, played in the sand and rode the slide. They went to school together, walking each day side by side the five blocks to elementary school, rode their bikes together when they started junior high. They spent countless hours in each others rooms, playing video games or just talking. They shared secrets, dreams and fears while sitting on those swings, and whenever Yuuri was sad or overthinking, Victor could always find him on top of the slide, face tipped to the sky. No matter the weather, this is where he always sat.It’s where Victor finds him now.or. Victor and Yuuri grows up as neighbours, pining for each other until they separate for college. A decade passes until they meet again.





	"I was scared of loosing you, and then I did anyway"

**Author's Note:**

> Hi and welcome to my **seventh** piece for the 18+ on Ice Discord server event ‘BINGO’. The event contains of each participant getting a bingo card and then create as much content as they want for the prompts on it. My goal is to make a fic for all 25 squares in the card and you can find the rest of my fics for the event [here](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1482800) and for all for all of the participants at this [collection](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/18OI_Bingober_2019). A huge thank you to [Bearixt](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bearixt/pseuds/Bearixt) for setting this up. Coming up with all the ideas have been so much fun, and it’s been great brainstorming them in the server with all you lovely people there. I adore all of you. 
> 
> The prompt that inspired this piece was 'Ass-play' so of course I wrote fluff with some smut ahha. This story was one that very much just came to me and demanded to be written. A completely different story was on the schedule for the day I wrote this but the muses me like that sometimes. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it. 
> 
> A huge thank you to [takeitoffhemmo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/takeitoffhemmo) for always being there when I need a beta. I'm so incredibly grateful.

Victor feels a strange sense of calm as he leans against his parents house wall, tipping his head up to the night sky. He wraps his fingers around the cup in his grip, letting the heat warm his cold hands. The small courtyard is surrounded by identical houses, and it gives Victor the opportunity to stargaze in a way that’s impossible in the capital. The hot chocolate steams in the cup, and Victor takes a sip to let it warm him from inside as well. It’s been a long time since he’s visited here, and it feels like it hasn’t changed at all, even if his mothers have told him at least three of the houses have new owners. 

He’s home for Christmas and it’s the first time in a few years. Victor’s been so busy. College was an endless string of exams and extracurriculars to get him any advantages in the business world. After graduating he took as little time as possible off, working hard to make sure he climbed the corporate ladder. Now that he’s a manager he can relax a little, or at least that’s what he tells his mothers when they ask. He doesn’t say that he works so much not only to keep his position but also because he’s lonely. He doesn’t say that he comes home to a large empty apartment that feels cold and hollow, and that he’s slowly feeling like he’s the same. He’d agreed to come home for Christmas and New Years only to quell their worries, because even if Victor lies and says everything is fine, they still seem to know. He has no idea how they do it. 

It’s two days until Christmas day and his birthday, and Victor came home yesterday. He spent the previous night eating dinner with his mothers and catching up, the day doing some Christmas shopping with them. They’re at a corporate Christmas party tonight. Victor had been invited but declined. He’s not in the mood for making pleasantries with people he doesn’t know, and he can’t remember the last time he had the time to just stare at the stars. 

Victor lets out a sigh, glancing out at the courtyard where he played endless hours when growing up. It looks almost identical to then and Victor’s breath hitches as he spots something that makes his entire body flood with nostalgia. For a second he thinks that maybe his eyes are playing tricks on him, making him see things as they were years ago. But when he blinks it doesn’t go away, and Victor becomes curious enough to take a closer look. 

He puts the cup down on the white dresser that’s always stood right inside the front door, pulling a blanket from the small wooden couch and wrapping it around his shoulders. He closes the door carefully and in slippers he steps out into the night. The air is cold, just below freezing, but the ground is bare from snow. Victor’s just going to take a look. It’s probably just a teenager, and Victor doesn’t want to make them uncomfortable…but what if? 

The old playground contains a large sandbox with a swing set with three swings. There’s a teeter, a large wooden house built like a small kiosk and a slide. At the top of it someone sits, and it reminds Victor so much of someone he used to know that he has to make sure it isn’t. 

Victor can’t remember the last time he talked to Yuuri. It seems crazy that someone that’s been so monumentally important to Victor just slid out of his life and he barely noticed. They grew up together in this courtyard, played in the sand and rode the slide. They went to school together, walking each day side by side the five blocks to elementary school, rode their bikes together when they started junior high. They spent countless hours in each others rooms, playing video games or just talking. They shared secrets, dreams and fears while sitting on those swings, and whenever Yuuri was sad or overthinking, Victor could always find him on top of the slide, face tipped to the sky. No matter the weather, this is where he always sat. 

It’s where Victor finds him now.

Yuuri looks so much the same, and at the same time not at all. His black hair is slicked back from his face, in a way it never were before. When they were younger Yuuri’s hair was always hanging half down his forehead, wild and muzzed. Victor used to tease him that it looked like he just got out of bed, but it also made him look so soft. Yuuri’s cheekbones and jaw are sharp now, in contrast to his soft cheeks when they were little. There’s a pair of blue framed glasses on his delicate nose as opposed to the black ones he used to wear, and he looks just as breathtaking as Victor remembers him. He’s fairly sure Yuuri heard him approach but he’s still staring up into the sky, and Victor has the urge to make him turn, to see those eyes he’s always found comfort in. 

“Mind if I join you?” Victor asks when he’s reached the slide, feeling his stomach fill with butterflies as his heart flips. A smile curls at Yuuri’s lips and he closes his eyes for a second to let out a breath. 

“To think I haven’t found my way to this place in years and when I do you find me too,” Yuuri says, voice deeper now but just as melodic. He opens his eyes slowly and turns his head to Victor, and even though it’s dark Victor’s knees turn to jelly as he looks into those deep brown eyes for the first time in a decade. “Hi Vitya.” 

Victor can’t help but smile, an emotional turmoil washing over him as he mirrors Yuuri’s own smile. His lips are just as full like they always were, the dimple in his left cheek still there. “Hi Yuuri.” 

“You think we both still fit up here?” Yuuri asks and Victor takes it as the invitation it is. He turns to walk around to the stairs, taking them in a few long steps. When they were younger they used to race each other up the slide, but Victor feels too old for that now, especially in slippers. He sits down on his side of the slide ledge, cross legged, looking over at Yuuri leaning against the wooden wall on the opposite side, watching him. Victor’s stomach flips again. 

“Home for Christmas?” Victor asks, because it seems like the right thing to ask. It’s strange to not find words immediately. They never had trouble talking when they were younger, words flowing out of them. Yuuri doesn’t answer right away. He pulls his legs close to his chest, arms resting on his knees. 

“Yeah,” Yurui says with a little laugh after what feels like forever. “Mari said that if I didn’t come home to meet her kid she’d personally come and drag me home so,” Yuuri shrugs but there’s a small smile on his lips. 

“Mari has a kid?” Victor asks, a little breathless. He still remembers her as the toughest girl in the world, threatening anyone who even looked at Yuuri the wrong way with the beating of a lifetime. She smoked, had tattoos and sneaked out to parties on her motorcycle. It’s hard to imagine her being a parent, with how crazy she drove her own. Yuuri laughs, and Victor feels flooded with warmth by it. It’s rare to be given the gift of Yuuri’s laugh. He only does it with the ones he’s most comfortable with. At least he used to. 

“Sora. He’s two,” Yuuri says, tilting his head to the side slightly. “Her wife Sara carried him after insemination.” 

“Wow, that feels crazy. I still think of her as the person who locked the high school with chains and unclippleble locks and who broke into the swimhall when drunk.”   
Yuuri beams as he shakes his head, looking down into his lap with a chuckle. “Yeah she’s calmed down a bit since then. Now she’s married and would do anything for her family. It’s strange how much happens in a few years.”

“True,” Victor agrees, shifting slightly. “You said she would drag you home, you haven’t been in a while?”

Yuuri furrows his brows and looks away in the direction of his parents' house. Victor looks too, seeing the familiar red paint, the light on in the windows, the glass chime Yuuri made in elementary school still hanging outside the front door. The matching one Victor made broke a few years ago and his mother called him in tears. Victor called her sentimental but after hanging up Victor felt a sting of pain as well, and had considered calling Yuuri for the first time in years. He didn’t. 

“No, not in five years,” Yuuri says with a sigh, looking back at Victor. His expression is thoughtful, and Victor wishes he knew what he’s thinking, like he always did before. “How about you? Are you still in the capital?”   
Victor nods in response. “This is the first time visiting in ten years,” he admits and Yuuri’s eyebrows rise slightly in surprise. 

“That’s a long time. Been busy?” 

Victor shrugs, the words he’s said a million times coming out of his mouth without much thought. “You know how it is.” 

Yuuri’s eyes are narrow, and Victor had forgotten how piercing that gaze can be. How Yuuri never let him get away with anything like that. Yuuri sucks his right cheek into his mouth, eyes squinting slightly and Victor’s reminded of all the times Yuuri’s called him out on lying. 

“I don’t…Tell me,” Yuuri says with a tone so fat Victor knows his bluff has been called. No one’s done that in years. Victor can feel himself flush, eyes daring down into his lap where he’s wringing his fingers. 

“You never let me get away with anything,” Victor mumbles but he’s smiling, heart feeling fuller than it has in years. A decade ago Yuuri would have teased him, told him “someone’s got to be able to resist that charming heart shaped smile and fluttering lashes”. He doesn’t now. He stays quiet and Victor looks up to see his brows furrowed, a guilty expression on his face.

“Sorry, maybe it’s not my place,” Yuuri answers slowly. It makes it so clear how long they’ve been apart and the realisation makes Victor miss him even more. How did he let it get to this point? Why didn't he stop it?

“No, it’s fine,” Victor assures, pushing his fringe out of his face, having to rearrange the blanket that’s almost fallen off his shoulders by the movement. “I think I needed that.”

Yuuri studies him for a minute as if contemplating, before he nods slowly. “You cut it,” he says with a nod towards Victor's hair, and Victor doesn't know if he’s relieved or disappointed that Yuuri didn’t prod more. He tries to push down the emptiness, smiling his most charming smile. It feels just as hollow as his chest.

“Yeah, college hazing you know. The fraternity didn’t like it long.”

Victor can still remember it, the steel of the scissors at the base of the ponytail, the cutting sound. They way the silver he’d worn his entire life cascaded down on the floor around him as the people behind it cheered. How he had laughed even though he wanted to cry. How he’d mourned for months. 

“That’s horrible,” Yuuri whispers as he shakes his head and Victor shrugs. 

“It was a long time ago.”

“It looks nice now too,” Yuuri says with a soft voice, the way he always sounds when he gives compliments, and Victor’s heart does a flip in his chest. He smiles towards his old friend, earning a smile in return. 

“I like the new glasses, and the slicked back hair,” Victor comments. Yuuri truly looks hot. Victor thought that his crush would have subdued as the years passed but seeing Yuuri makes him realise that it hasn’t. Maybe it never will. Maybe he will always be in love with Yuuri Katsuki.

Victor realised it when he was fourteen. It had been a shocking revelation that when Yuuri took his hand and pulled him away to show him something, Victor’s stomach erupted with butterflies. He’d wondered if it was just a one time thing, but the more he thought about it the more he felt, and soon his heart flipped when Yuuri smiled or laughed or gave him a compliment. Victor had hoped it would subdue. That over time the crush would simmer down to only friendship again and he wouldn’t have to feel like this. Didn’t have to lie or date people he wasn’t interested in just to try to get over the crush he had on his best friend. It didn’t work. He continued to pine over Yuuri, scared to death of his friend finding out. When they parted for college Victor cried for a week, and then got crazy drunk during the next one, initiation week, to forget his sorrows and that he was missing a boy on the other side of the country. 

They’d texted a bit in the beginning, but as they both got busier with studies they drifted apart. When Victor graduated after four years and with a masters in business all they really exchanged anymore was congratulations texts for each other’s birthdays and greetings during holidays. It stung, but maybe it was for the best. Victor needed to move on, to stop pining for someone who would never be his and meet someone else. It hadn’t worked out that way.

“Oh, thank you,” Yuuri says, bringing Victor out from his walk down memory lane, adjusting his glasses a litte. “They say they make me look more the part so.”

“Which part?” Victor asks. He feels like he knows nothing about Yuuri now. They follow each other on social media but Yuuri rarely posts, and they almost never interact. The only times Victor's seen Yuuri’s face since before leaving for college has been on Phichit’s, their joint friend, instagram. 

“Ah, the college professor part,” Yuuri says and if it wasn’t so dark Victor’s sure he would see a delicate blush decorating Yuuri’s cheekbones. Victor used to wonder if Yuuri’s skin would feel warmer there if he touched it, pressed his lips against it. “I have a doctorate now.”

“Doctorate? You have a Ph. D?” Victor asks, a bit stunned. “I thought you went to college to study informatics.”

“I did,” Yuuri confirms, knees dropping to sit cross legged as well, some of the tension bleeding out of his shoulders as he does. “I have a doctorate in informatics, my dissertation focused on health care informatics and digitalisation.”   
“And you used to say you weren’t smart,” Victor teases, having to catch his breath as he tries to wrap his mind around everything Yuuri’s become. “I told you.”

“You did,” Yuuri confirms with a soft smile and a nod. “ Should have known never to doubt you.”

“You should,” Victor teases back, and Yuuri smiles even wider.

They continue to catch up, share stories from their respective lives. Victor tells Yuuri about his job and his apartment, the pottery class he takes every Wednesday. He tries to explain how he met Chris and how they became friends. Yuuri cocks his head adorably as Victor tells him how he found Chris stuck in a tree after trying to climb up after his cat and getting stuck. About the moody intern at work that shares Yuuri’s name, almost.

Yuuri tells him about the dissertation and the interviews he made for it. He talks about his job at a college and his colleagues. He shares stories of Phichit and how he refuses to let Yuuri isolate himself and get buried in work. Of his parents restaurant and Mari’s wedding. About his dance classes. The entire time Victor can’t help but smile, a warm feeling of just being close to Yuuri again making it impossible not to. He rarely feels this content in someone’s presence, and he feels so content it’s almost earth shattering. Still, Victor is not dressed for being out in such cold weather, and when Yuuri wraps up the story of how Mari had carried her bride over her shoulder up to the wedding suite Victor is all but trembling. 

“Are you cold?” Yuuri observes as Victor shivers, clenching his jaw to not clack his teeth. 

“A little,” Victor admits, unable to hide the slight tremors of his body. Yuuri’s eyes widen, and then his expression falls. 

“Maybe you should get inside then? Sorry if I kept you out in the cold.”   
Victor's heart clenches too. He doesn’t want to separate yet, he just got Yuuri back. He is shivering though, and if he doesn’t get in soon he might catch a cold. A sigh leaves his lips as he glances over to his childhood home, and idea striking him as he does.

“You want to come with? I have hot chocolate?” Victor suggests and hopes. Yuuri’s expression instantly morphs from a pensive one to joy, and then he pushes himself down the slide, landing with both feet in the sand. Victor laughs and shakes his head, rearranging himself to go down too. The blanket gives him less friction, and he slides a bit too fast, stumbling as his feet catch the ground. 

“Oof,” Yuuri says as his arms fly out to catch him before Victor completely faceplants into the sand. “Careful.”

“Sorry,” Victor says as he straightens, Yuuri’s arms falling off his own. Victor’s heart is racing a mile a minute as he looks into those pretty eyes, Yuuri blinking up at him a few times before he steps back and clears his throat. 

They make their way back to the house, and when inside Victor discards the blanket and slippers and Yuuri strips himself of shoes and fluffy jacket. Victor's not really prepared for it. Yuuri has always been gorgeous, and Victor has endless diary entries about it in his locked journals in his old room. Victor turns mid-sentence about when his mothers decided to repaint the kitchen and his voice falls flat. 

Yuuri’s just hanging the jacket on one of the hooks on the wall, turning back to Victor with a soft smile and he’s truly breathtaking. His shape is slim, stomach and chest flat but toned, hips curved. In the light Victor can see his face better too, and he is truly a man now. A very, very beautiful man. Victor swallows on air and tries to compose his mind into something, anything, that isn’t ‘marry me now’. Yuuri furrows his brows, looking down at his blue sweater and jeans and then back when he doesn’t find anything amiss.

“Sorry!” Victor exclaims, voice a little too loud. “Just forgot what I was saying. Hot chocolate?” 

Yuuri still looks confused but agrees, and Victor starts to explain even more rapidly about the changes of the house his mothers went through with him yesterday. Yuuri walks around and hums, asks questions about trinkets or comments on something he recognizes. As he does Victor busies himself with mixing milk and cocoa powder and sugar, getting their old favorite cups from the cupboard. Yuuri smiles wistfully when he’s handed the old familiar purple one, and together they take the stairs up to Victor’s room per Yuuri’s request. 

It’s just as Victor left it a decade ago, minus the suitcase that’s now laying open on the floor next to the twin size bed. The walls are dark grey and filled with posters of the high school teams logo and a camp Victor, Yuuri, Phichit and some other friends went to one summer. There’s photos as well, and one wall is covered in shelves with books and old toys. Yuuri grins widely as he enters, immediately starting to look around the room they both spent so much time in. Victor sit’s down in the edge of the bed and he watches him move around. 

“It’s like a time capsule,” Yuuri says with a laugh, stopping to look at a photo in a magenta frame of the two of them, age twelve, arms wrapped around each other and cheeks pressed tightly together, huge smiles on their faces. If Victor remembers correctly they had just beaten some of the other neighbours kids in soccer. 

“I know right? I don’t know if it makes me happy or sad,” Victor says. It does fill him with warmth to see the photos, but it also makes him realise how much he’s missing in his life now. 

“It makes me very happy,” Yuuri murmurs, moving on to a photo of them at High School graduation, the last photo Victor ever put up. They’re both in those horrible green robes and Victor laughs as Yuuri scrunches up his nose. ”Why would it make you sad?” 

“I don’t know,” Victor stalls as he tries to find the words to work around what he’s admitted. He didn’t even mean to say it but Yuuri has this affect on him, it’s a miracle Victor never accidentally confessed his undying love. “I guess it reminds me of what I don’t have anymore.”

“Hmm,” Yuuri says, glancing back at a photo of Victor and his mothers, correcting the slightly crooked frame. “Like what?”

_ Like you _ , Victor wants to say. He continues to watch as Yuuri walks around to look at things, letting Victor take his time to answer. He’s unfairly beautiful. He’s always been. Victor should have kissed him before he left for college. He’d wanted to but had been too scared. His eyes dart down to Yuuri’s fingers, jewelry free. His heart rate picks up. He’s so silly. Yuuri might still have a partner even if he’s not married or engaged, even if he hasn’t mentioned anyone. “Life seems to be filled with work these days, not so much of fun things like these walls contain,” Victor settles for. Yuuri hums again before turning to him, sipping his hot chocolate. 

“Are you happy, Victor?” he asks and looks straight at him. Victor feels frozen under it. He can feel his usual answers turn in his mind. The ‘of course’ and the ‘why wouldn't I be?’. They taste wrong on his tongue. 

“Not really,” he says instead and Yuuri lets out a breath, as if he was prepared to argue Victor's lie. He walks closer, stopping just in front of Victor for a moment. Victor looks up at him, wishing he could ask Yuuri to kiss him instead of talking about this. It’s a silly though, and Victor shouldn't indulge himself in his fantasies this much, it won’t lead to anything good. Yuuri sits down next to him on the side of the bed instead, Victor turning so they can sit next to each other. 

“How long have you been feeling like this?” Yuuri asks. Victor can’t look at him but he’s sure that if he turns to face him Yuuri’s going to be looking at him, eyes worried, expression kind. 

“I can’t really say. Maybe part of me has been feeling like this since I left,” Victor admits with a sigh. “College was fun. I had lots of friends but it all felt hollow and shallow. Then I got an internship and just rose in the ranks and the higher I got the lonelier I became and now I wonder why I’m even doing it.” 

“Maybe you shouldn’t,” Yuuri says, voice so incredibly soft it makes Victor’s heart ache. It’s such an obvious solution but it’s still so good to hear someone else say it. As if given permission to feel this way. 

“Yeah, maybe I should open a bakery or run away to live in the woods,” Victor chuckles and looks over at Yuuri who’s shaking his head with a fond smile.

“Whatever makes you happy. It would be a shame to have someone as bright as you stop shining,” Yuuri says and Victor feels like he’s been punched in the gut by it. He sucks in breath to calm his racing heart, lacing his fingers together to anchor himself.

“How about you? Are you enjoying life as a thirty year old?” Victor teases and Yuuri smiles, shrugging one shoulder. They’re sitting so close there’s barely any space between them. Victor wonders what Yuuri would do if he pressed himself closer. Would he move away? Would he press into it?

“It’s good,” Yuuri says with a small smile but then his brows furrow. “Some of it’s really good. I enjoy my job a lot and I enjoy the dance classes. Doesn't mean I don’t have regrets though.”

“Like what?” Victor asks and Yuuri looks straight him for a long moment, as if trying to decide something. Victor’s heart starts racing under the gaze, wondering what's going through Yuuri’s mind. Yuuri breaks their locked eye contact, looking at the window on the wall they’re facing. Victor can’t look away from him though, wants to push and ask what Yuuri meant. This feels monumental and Victor doesn’t want to let it go. Turns out he doesn’t have to. 

“I had the biggest crush on you you know?” Yuuri says, and the soft words makes Victor’s racing heart stop in his chest. His mind spins, because surely he can’t have heard what he thinks he just heard. “I never told you because I thought I might lose you if I did, that things would change. But then I lost you anyway.”

“You had a crush on me?” Victor questions and Yuuri looks back at him, eyes pained, biting his lip in that way he does when his mind starts racing away from him. It seems some things never change.    
“Yeah and… I’m sorry if that’s weird or—,” Yuuri starts rambling and Victor’s mind finally registers what's happening, breath rushing out of him as he cut’s Yuuri off. 

“No! I had the biggest crush on you!” he protests loudly and Yuuri’s eyes grow wide, that gorgeous pink blush seeping into his cheeks as he looks at Victor in disbelief. He breaks the eye contact and just because Victor knows him so well he can visibly see the anxiety filling him, shoulders locking, jaw tightening, eyes almost unseeing. He’s not surprised at all when Yuuri discredits his admission. 

“You’re just saying that to make me feel better,” Yuuri retorts and Victor’s already pushing himself up from the bed. He has to prove Yuuri wrong. 

Under the second shelf of his closet there’s a small crack, and Victor twists his wrist just so, only to pull out the key to his lower desk drawer. Yuuri watches him with a confused expression and Victor sits down on the carpeted floor, unlocking the drawer that contains all his teenage secrets. 

“What are you doing?” Yuuri questions as Victor looks through his collection of diaries. He still keeps them, has one leather bound in his luggage that’s lying in the corner of the room. 

“Proving you wrong,” Victor says as he pulls out the one he suspects contains his fourteen year old self’s most secret thoughts. He flips through the pages until he reaches the one he’s looking for, clears his throat and looks up at Yuuri before he looks down to start reading. 

“Dear Diary, I realised today that I might have a crush on my best friend Yuuri. I don’t know how long I’ve had one but today we held hands and it felt like my stomach turned inside out and I couldn’t stop smiling. Yuuri’s so pretty and kind and I really like him. I don’t think I can tell him because what if he doesn't feel the same and we stop being friends? That would be the worst thing in the world,” Victor reads out loud, handing the book over to Yuuri who takes it with a stunned expression, looking down at the page. Victor grabs the next diary, this one with a dark blue cover and dog stickers. He flips through the pages on this one too, stopping when he sees Yuuri’s name. 

“Dear Diary,” he reads, seeing in the corner of his eyes how Yuuri looks up from the first one to look at him. “Today one of the cheerleaders asked Yuuri to winter formal and I got really jealous. Yuuri said no but I was still really mad. It’s so stupid because Yuuri’s not even my boyfriend so I don’t have any right to be angry, but I want him to be. Daniel asked me and I told him I’ll think about it. I really just want to go with Yuuri but I’m afraid to ask.” Victor hands that one over to Yuuri too, glancing up at Yuuri’s now deep crimson cheeks for a second before Yuuri looks down into the new journal in his lap and Victor continues his exploits of his teenage pining self. 

“Oh, this has an entire page with me just writing ‘Victor Katsuki’ over an entire page, and the next one is just doodles of ‘Victor <3 Yuuri’,” Victor chuckles and places that on top of the other two. Yuuri doesn't even look down at that one, eyes glued to Victor’s.

“Do you want me to keep going?” Victor asks, breathless under Yuuri’s stare. He knows there’s more. The journals are filled with things like this. Yuuri shakes his head slowly, eyes darting down to the last one placed in his lap, a soft smile curling at the edge of his lips. Victor rises, leaving the drawer open as he moves to sit down next to Yuuri again. 

“I never knew,” Yuuri says, hand caressing so softly over the cursive ‘Victor Katsuki’ on the page, as if it’s something precious. Victor’s heart clenches. 

“Neither did I,” Victor says, looking down at Yuuri’s fingers caressing the name. 

“That’s so dumb!” Yuuri exclaims, throwing himself back on the bed with a thump, the journals still resting in his lap. Victor laughs and lays down next to him, turning on his side. Yuuri glances over at him and then starts laughing too, full body and pure. 

They laugh and laugh, calm down to disrupt in giggles that turn to laughter again. Victor can’t remember the last time he laughed like this. Probably not since the last time he spent time in this room with this boy. When they come down from the joyous outburst they’re laying on their sides facing each other, almost touching.

Yuuri’s so close, his slicked back hair slightly disheveled from the laughter. His dark lashes fans over his rosy cheeks every time he blinks. So beautiful. Victor barely thinks as he brings his hand up to softly caress Yuuri’s skin from the corner of his mouth up to his cheekbone. It’s as soft and warm as he always thought it to be. Something determined crosses Yuuri’s expression before his eyes fall close. He turns into Victor's touch, pressing his lips firmly against his palm. Victor’s breath catches and Yuuri’s eyes flutter open again. Victor can’t stop himself a second longer, pressing forward with urgency to press their lips together. 

Yuuri lets out a soft noise, as if he too has been waiting for over fifteen years for this exact moment. Something warm and tingling pools in Victor’s gut as he presses his lips firmer against Yuuri’s soft ones. Yuuri’s hand comes to rest at Victor’s ribs and Victor cups his neck to press him close. The kisses are soft even if they’re filled with urgency, just lips pressing against each other, enveloping each other. They part for a second, and Yuuri removes his glasses before he leans closer, bringing their lips together again. Yuuri’s the one who opens up first, the hand he has at Victor’s side fisting in his shirt as he presses closer to deepen the kiss. Victor answers in kind, opening his mouth to let Yuuri in as he rolls to the side, bringing Yuuri with him. Yuuri straddles his lap at the edge of the bed and Victor follows him up as he sits, both hands coming to cup his face, chasing the kiss. His hands wonder down to Yuuri’s throat, his shoulders, his chest. Victor feels like he’s going to explode with all he’s feeling, gripping tightly at Yuuri’s hips to pull him as close as possible.

“Yuuri, Yuuri,” he breathes and Yuuri presses harder into the kiss, fingers carding at the short hair at the nape of Victor’s nape.

“Please, don’t stop,” Yuuri begs, lips only leaving Victor’s lips to leave room for the words before he presses close again, tongues dancing as they continue to kiss. Victor’s hands wander down the plains of Yuuri’s stomach to the hem of his shirt, fingers finding their way under it to make contact with soft skin. Yuuri lets out a soft moan, raising his arms in invitation. Victor takes it, pushing the shirt up as he continues to kiss the beautiful man in his lap until they have to break apart to pull Yuuri’s shirt over his head, lips locking as soon as it’s off. Victor lets his hands wander over the exposed skin, feel the muscles shift under his touches, map out the feel of Yuuri. His thumbs finds Yuuri’s nipples and as if pressing a button Yuuri throws his head back in a moan. Victor smiles as he looks at him, face flushed, lips pink and wet, eyes closed. He wastes no time in kissing Yuuri’s now exposed throat, sucking marks into it as he goes. 

“Ahh— Vitya,” Yuuri moans, grinding on his lap. “Vitya, Vitya.” 

Never before has his name sounded so wonderful, and Victor scrapes his teeth against Yuuri’s collarbone as his hands push under the hem of Yuuri’s pants, fingers getting to caress part of his ass. Yuuri rocks forward slowly, his fingers clenching and unclenching in Victor’s hair as Victor’s mouth continues it’s exploration, leaving marks and kisses until his lips reach Yuuri’s nipples. Victor licks his left thumb, letting it caress over Yuuri’s right nipple as he flattens his tongue to lick over the left one. Yuuri’s hips buck, fingers gripping tighter at Victor’s hair. 

“Yes,” Yuuri moans, encouraging Victor to pull back and flick his tongue at the sensitive nipple before flattening it against it once more, wrapping his lips around it to suck. “Fuck,” Yuuri moans and Victor smirks. It’s the first time he’s ever heard Yuuri curse outside of a panic attack. He moves over to the other nipple, giving that just as much attention, before he kisses up Yuuri’s throat, this time with urgency, finding Yuuri’s lips again.

Victor twists his torso so he can place Yuuri carefully on his back on the bed, lips locked as much as they can as they go down. Yuuri starts tugging on Victor’s shirt and Victor discards it as soon as he has Yuuri on his back, settling between Yuuri’s spread legs on the twin bed. He looks gorgeous, and VIctor kisses from the hem of his pants up past his belly button, up his sternum and throat, until he finds Yuuri’s lips again, feeling Yuuri smile into the kiss. Wow. 

Victor’s never felt like this before. He feels like his mind is spinning as if he’s drunk, but at the same time he feels everything with crystal clarity, and it’s much more than he’s felt ever before. Excitement, joy, arousal. Victor’s painfully hard, half of his blood having flooded down from being able to kiss Yuuri like this, touch Yuuri like this. He presses himself up on his hands to look at Yuuri, grasp that he’s here. Yuuri's eyes are dark and Victor adores him. 

“You’re so fucking pretty,” Victor says before going back down, Yuuri’s hands wandering down his exposed back as Victor starts rolling his hips into Yuuri’s groin. Yuuri gasps, hands moving down to the fastening of Victor’s slacks. He fumbles but gets the button open, fingers starting to push the pants and Victor’s underwear down. Victor shimmies to help, kicking the pants off the bed when he can. Yuuri pushes at his chest and Victor sits back on his knees as Yuuri rises on his elbows, eyes roaming over Victor’s now exposed body. His eyes are dark, and Victor has probably never felt as wanted as he does as Yuuri pushes himself up on his knees. He moves closer and kisses Victor deeply, hands moving from Victor’s neck to his chest, down his stomach to his hip and back to squeeze his ass. Victor lets out a breathy moan against his lips, feeling like putty in Yuuri’s hands. Yuuri smirks before his lips leaves Victor’s, kissing down this throat and chest, going down on all fours as his mouth continues down. Victor sits back on his knees, one hand steadying him behind him on the bed. 

Yuuri’s kisses are soft and teasing, moving closer and closer to where Victor’s is aching to be touched. He looks up at Victor through dark lashes, one hand wrapping around the base of Victor’s cock before he licks from base to tip.

“Aaah—,” Victor moans, eyes falling close even though he wants to watch. He can feel Yuuri’s tongue work its way up his length again, hot and wet, and then he pulls back slightly. 

“I used to fantasise about this,” Yuuri says, voice low. Victor shivers. “How it would feel to have you in my mouth.”

“Me too,” Victor pants, opening his eyes to look down at Yuuri. His cheeks are flushed and lips wet and Victor can feel himself throb in his grip. Yuuri hums and leans forward again, kissing the tip of Victor’s erection once before licking over it again. It feels teasingly good, and the hand not holding Victor up comes to tangle in Yuuri’s dark hair. Yuuri’s eyes fall shut, and then he opens his mouth to lower himself on Victor's cock. 

The wet heat of Yuuri’s mouth feels wonderful, and Victor tightens his grip in Yuuri’s hair, earning a moan around his length. Yuuri sinks his head down, and Victor watches, moans rising out of his throat as Yuuri takes him a little deeper with every bob of his head. It’s a steady pace, and Victor has to hold back to not fuck into Yuuri’s mouth or push him further down and chase his own pleasure. As much as he wants to, there are other things he wants more. Victor’s all but trembling when Yuuri pulls off, lips red from the strain. So fucking hot. 

“My turn,” Victor proclaims, and Yuuri smirks as he rises, pressing close to give Victor a deep kiss. Victor’s cock aches with the need to be touched, but even in his lust haze he needs to touch Yuuri more. 

“Yeah? Any other fantasies?” Yuuri breathes as Victor lowers him back into the bed, hastily working the button’s open on Yuuri’s jeans, pushing them and a pair of black boxers down his legs. They cling to Yuuri’s thighs, and Victor leans down to kiss the exposed skin on each leg before continuing to move the pants and socks off. Only when Yuuri is bare does he stop, hovering over him to soak in the view of Yuuri Katsuki naked in his bed. 

“So many,” Victor agrees as he runs his hands down Yuuri’s body, admiring the softness of his skin, the way his flush reaches his chest, how completely gorgeous he is. “Like I want to kiss every part of you,” Victor says as he lowers himself, kissing softly at the marks all over Yuuri’s upper body, before moving down to make new ones on his hips and thighs. Yuuri gasps and moans, fingers tangling in Victor’s hair as he presses him further into his skin. Victor smiles, working his way up from Yuuri’s left knee towards his groin, having done the same thing on the right side just before. 

“What do you want Yuuri?” he asks before he licks the juncture between Yuuri’s leg and groin, making Yuuri let out a needy whine. So sexy. 

“I want you inside me,” Yuuri breathes as Victor rises and takes his cock in hand, stroking upwards slowly as Yuuri’s eyes rolls back in his head. “Aaah— Vitya.” 

“You want me to fuck you Yuuri?” Victor asks teasingly, even if the prospect of him doing so makes him shiver. He really wants that too. “You want me to fill you up?”

“Yessss,” Yuuri moans and Victor presses down to envelop his lips, feel his moans against his mouth as he continues to stroke Yuuri slowly, enjoying the feeling of him in his hand. “Please.”

“God you’re so hot,” Victor pants, kissing Yuuri sloppily before regrettably pulling from the bed. He walks over to the suitcase and after some rummaging he finds the small toiletry bag that Chris always insists he brings with him on all his journeys, “Just in case!”. Victor’s never used it before but right now he has to agree that it’s very handy. He opens it as he walks over to the bed, pulling out a bottle of lube. Yuuri’s eyes followed his every movement and when Victor places a knee on the bed again, Yuuri rolls over to his stomach and arches his back before looking back at him with heated eyes. Fuck. Victor’s going to die from blood loss to his brain if this continues. 

“Make me feel good,” Yuuri says as Victor arranges himself between his spread legs, leaning down to kiss his right ass cheek, his hip and at the bottom of his spine. Yuuri lets out a soft hum, turning his head to look at Victor who rises and reaches for the lube. 

Yuuri looks gorgeous like this, and Victor caresses up and down his spine as he warms the lube between his fingers, starting to circle Yuuri’s rim when he’s done. Yuuri’s breathing becomes heavier, lashes fluttering as Victor pushes his finger in. Yuuri relaxes beautifully and Victor works him open slowly, kissing Yuuri’s spine from time to time as he adds a second and then third finger. He finds that spot inside Yuuri that makes him push back into Victor’s hand, fucking himself on Victor’s fingers faster, breaths becoming raggid. 

“You ready?” Victor asks after kissing his way all the way to Yuuri’s neck, Yuuri still rocking back. He’s aching so to push into Yuuri’s heat, but he wants to make sure he’s stretched enough. 

“Yeah,” Yuuri agrees, rocking shallowly a few times before pulling back and off Victor’s fingers. He rolls around carefully on the bed, spreading his legs wide. Victor curses as he reaches for the lube and a condom, rolling it on before slicking himself up. It feels so good after not being touched in awhile, and Victor can’t help the moans that escapes his lips as he strokes himself, biting his lip. When he looks down he can see Yuuri watching him, stroking himself as well. The sight is so arousing Victor’s surprised he doesn’t come immediately. Victor pulls his hand from himself, scooting closer before lining up to Yuuri’s entrance. 

Yuuri’s eyes flutter close as Victor pushes in, mouth opening slightly in a soft moan. Victor bites his lip hard not to groan loudly because Yuuri’s so tight around him and it feels like heaven. He fills him up slowly, rocking into Yuuri’s tight hole. They both moan, and Yuuri’s hands are gripping the sheets hard. Victor bottoms out and leans down to press his chest to Yuuri’s, kissing him open mouthed and soft. 

“Move Vitya,” Yuuri breathes, pulling his legs wider and higher up, almost bent in half. Fuck, Victor’s going to lose himself in this man. He starst rolling his hips back, shallowly fucking into Yuuri before pulling out further. Yuuri moans with every push in against his sweet spot. Victor moans to, mouth pressing into every patch of skin he can reach as he picks up his pace.    
“Yuuri, Aah—,” Victor moans and Yuuri’s fingers tangle in Victor’s hair, rocking up into his thrusts.

“Harder,” Yuuri pants. “Fuck me harder.” 

“Yes,” Victor agrees. His left leg falls off the bed for leverage, wrapping his hands around Yuuri’s hips to be able to hold him steady. He snaps his hips in hard and fast, Yuuri screaming out in pleasure. Victor does it again and again, until Yuuri’s a moaning mess in his bed, Victor teetering on the edge of coming as he watches Yuuri writher in his bed. He wants this always. “Yuuri, Yuuri,” he chants and Yuuri presses him to his mouth, his other hand snaking between them to start stroking himself off. Victor increases his pace, so close to that high. 

“I’m gonna come,” Yuuri moans into his lips. “Fuck, I’m gonna come.” Victor nods as he continues to kiss him, feeling Yuuri clench around him as he hits his orgasm, come spurting across both of their stomachs. Victor follows, the tightness to good not too. He trembles, arms barely holding him up as he fills the condom. Yuuri’s panting below him, eyes glassy and completely gorgeous. The high subdues and Victor collapses, Yuuri letting out a soft _‘oof’ _as he lands on him. Yuuri’s arms wrap around Victor limply, holding him close.

They lay there for a long time, fingers drawing patterns into each others skins. Yuuri’s cheeks slowly grow less flushed, and Victor kisses them to chase the subduing heat. This all feels like a dream. Victor doesn’t want to wake up. They grow cold on top of the covers, Yuuri’s skin breaks out in goosebumps and Victor kisses it too. Yuuri sighs contently as Victor’s lips press into the skin of his chest, his arms, his stomach. 

“You want something to eat?” Victor asks, looking down at the gorgeous man in his bed. He doesn’t want Yuuri to go yet, but he’s not sure how to say so without being overbearing. Yuuri looks up at him with a puzzled expression but nods, and together they detangle. Victor finds a pair of sweats to put on and then, before he has a chance to over think it he hands his soft off white sweater to Yuuri. Yuuri looks at it for a second before he takes it, lips curling into a soft smile.

“Thank you,” he says, hand coming to rest at Victor’s arm as he goes up on his toes to peck on his cheek. 

They walk down stairs, falling into conversations about their families again. Where Victor’s are, how Yuuri’s parents are, if they still work at the same place. Victor directs Yuuri to sit on the kitchen counter. He looks so lovely in the far too big sweater and only boxers, Victor has to kiss him again and again, hands splayed on Yuuri’s bare thighs. Yuuri giggles when Victor moves down to his at his neck, caressing fondly at Victor’s nape.

“I thought you were going to make me food,” he teases and Victor hums against his skin before he straightens, pecking at Yuuri’s lips once more before moving away.    
“I can never say no to you,” he says, watching as Yuuri’s cheeks colour pink. His eyes dart down to his lap where he wrings his fingers, and Victor starts pulling ingredients for pancakes out as he lets him gather his thoughts. 

“Is that what you say to all the one night stands?” Yuuri asks. It sounds cheeky but Victor’s known Yuuri for long enough to recognize the shifting gaze. They may have been separated for a decade, but Victor sill knows. 

“You’re not a one night stand Yuuri,” Victor starts, moving closer again so he can hold him. He wraps his arms around Yuuri’s shoulders, looking at him and can’t help but smile. He has so much love in his heart for this man. He’s just scared to say it. “At least I don’t want you to be.” 

“You don’t?” Yuuri asks softly, cupping Victor’s cheek. Victor leans into it, pressing his forehead against Yuuri as he softly shakes his head. 

“No,” Victor says on a breath, pulling back so he can look Yuuri in the eyes. “This is the most alive I’ve felt in years.” 

Yuuri sucks in a breath, closing the distance between them almost completely before he whispers: “Me too. I’ve missed you so much.” 

It’s too much, Victor's feelings overwhelm him so he closes the small gap between their lips with urgency. Yuuri sighs, arms circling Victor’s waist as Victor’s fingers tangle in the soft strands of Yuuri’s hair. This feels right. This feels more right than anything has in forever. 

The door to the small house bursts open, shocking them both enough to pull away from the kiss with wide eyes. Crap. 

“We’re home!” Victor’s mama Nadia shouts, and Victor can tell just by that one phrase that she’s probably had enough wine to make her steps wobbly. 

“Vitya?” his mama Taya calls out as they shuffle in the hallway, clearly more sober. “Are you up?”

Yuuri’s eyes have grown wide, and Victor looks down at them both, half dressed with only one of them wearing pants. He can feel his cheeks flush and sees it mirrored on Yuuri’s face as he scrambles for what to do. Victor suddenly feels like he’s fourteen again and going to be caught doing something he’s not supposed to. There’s no time to fix this. In order to get to the stairs and get clothes they have to cross the hallway. Trapped. 

“I don’t-” Victor starts with a low voice meant for only Yuuri to hear, but is cut off by his mothers again. 

“Vityaaaa,” Nadia sing-songs just before she steps up to the door opening to the kitchen. Victor turns, shielding Yuuri slightly behind him, even if his legs are very visible on either side of Victor’s hips. Nadia’s eyes grow wide in surprise and then her mouth spreads into a large grin. 

“Hi mama,” Victor greets and behind him he can feel Yuuri lean to the side. 

“Hi Mrs. Nikiforov,” Yuuri greets and Nadia’s smile turns from predatory to pure joy. Taya’s just slid up by her side and Victor can see her expression go through the same phases her wife did, if a little more subtle. 

“Good evening Yuuri,” Taya greets, clearly trying to hold back a smile. “It’s very nice to see you.”

“You too,” Yuuri says, voice strained and words forced. Yuuri’s clearly not as pleased to see them and Victor can’t blame him. He can’t believe he all but forgot they were going to come home at some point. 

“Yuuriiiii,” Nadia coos and Victor’s going to die because he’s standing in his mothers kitchen, shirtless with hickies all up his chest and neck with the man he’s loved for basically his entire life just as covered in marks and just as naked. Not how he wanted this night to continue. “Victor’s been so lonely without you. It’s nice you’ve made friends again.” 

Taya snorts and Victor shoots her a pointed look which seems to just make her want to giggle harder.

“We never stopped being friends,” Victor answers, feeling Yuuri place a supporting hand on his back. God, he’s amazing. Victor should marry him. 

“Of course not,” Taya says. “Still, it’s nice to see you together. You make a very lovely couple.” 

“Mamaaaaa,” Victor whines, because do they have to do this? Do they have to embarrass him like this? He and Yuuri didn’t even finish their conversation and he doesn't want his moms scaring him away. Yuuri draws a heart on his exposed back, making pleasant shivers break out on his skin. Victor lets out a breath and tries to relax. It’s not like Yuuri doesn’t know that they’re like this. They’ve always adored Yuuri, and pestered Victor about when he was going to make a move. 

“Thank you,” Yuuri says calmly, and Victor’s heart pounds against his ribcage because did Yuuri just say they were a couple? Victor wants that. He doesn't know how to fix the logistics of it, but he can’t let Yuuri go now. 

“Are you staying the night? I would love to catch up with you but if we're doing that I’m guessing you’re going to want clothes?” Taya says with a grin that Nadia echoes, and Victor hates them both. 

“I-, uhm,” Yuuri says and Victor wants to turn around and talk to him but not while his mothers are there watching. 

“Could you two just go to bed?” Victor asks, giving his mama Taya a pointed look. She’s still looking a little to smug but agrees, wrapping an arm around her reluctant wife, leaving the boys alone in the kitchen again. 

“I’m so sorry!” Victor exclaimed as he turns to face Yuuri who starts giggling immediately. Victor gasps in shock but falls into laughter quickly too, letting his head fall to Yuuri’s shoulder when he catches his breath. Yuuri’s hands caress softly up and down his back, body still trembling with giggles.

“They’re so embarrassing,” Victor complains and Yuuri hums, kissing his hair. 

“Mine would have been the same,” Yuuri says and Victor rises to look at him with a smile, trying to wrap his mind around what Yuuri just said. “Mari would have threatened to kill you so I think we got off easy.”

“Did you mean that? The couple thing?” Victor asks, fingers trembling nervously. Yuuri hums again and tilts his head, pink dusting his cheeks. 

“Yeah I mean...maybe we should go on a date first but,” Yuuri smiles and looks into Victor’s eyes, gaze filled with sincerity. “I’ve never felt like I do for you, then and now. I would like to try, if that’s what you want too?” 

Victor can’t contain his smile as he grips Yuuri tighter, pressing his lips to Yuuri’s cheek, his nose and then his lips. 

“Yes,” he agrees. “More than anything.” 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Some of you wanted to see the card with the prompts, so you can find it [here](https://docs.google.com/document/d/17T65iBqiwV5l9ZY4hGJogXcChFhgksKvLyVu5wR_ktI/edit?usp=sharing). The stars are the one that's already been posted or are currently posting. I'm trying to write them form the bottom up and from left to write, but you never know where inspiration strikes. 
> 
> Thank you for reading, please let me know what you think in the comment section or on other platforms like:  
[Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/linisen) and [Twitter](https://twitter.com/mjaoue)


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